making a world better

what is the value of a better world? why is it one of the most used platitudes? and why is it still marketable motto? is the world really that malleable? or is it that we live in such a messed up world that we always need it to make it better no matter what? i find it rather disturbing that people are still clinging to that old saying. old goal. without doing much? there are millions and millions just perishing without anyone notice. what are people so afraid to act? why just say it without really meaning to follow through? i am confused. endlessly confused.

i don't mean to imply that i am a saint. because i simply am not. i m neither a saint nor a philanthropist. i am as much to blame as any other. and i am one of those people who falls victim to the false ideal of the better world. i simply am a stickler for the sentimental value.

why am i ranting about this? well i m feeling groggy lately. i guess i m not a fall kind of a guy. there is nothing to live by. nobody to trust. nothing of value left to me except my family. is family really that important? i would say yes. but hesitate to put a quantifiable value to it, because you cannot put price on love and familial relationship. but then, i sometimes think that life is not that worthy to live by. this constant pain. this constant misery. with happiness sparkled on top. is that really that valuable? i just do not agree with that. there is many things i can move, that i can control. but it seems the ones that i cannot move or control are the really important things.

i hate feeling this incompetence. incapacitated. weak. frail. there is so much things that i want to do in the world. but i do not have the energy to do it. there is no spirit left in my soul. well do i really have a soul? i m a sociopath. i do not feel other people's emotion. i do not comprehend why others laugh or cry. i am selfish. everything revolving around me. if i cannot  understand. then it means nothing to me.

obstacles upon obstacles. i am tired of acting. i am tired of pretending that i understand. i am tired of faking an emotion that i lack. i am just tired. tired enough to consider ending everything.

a wise man told me once that people who end their lives are those with the greatest bravery. those able to pull a trigger has no fear. i guess i am not that someone. i guess i am just too weak to even end it all. i feel responsible. i feel indebted to live on. simply that reason. a feeling of debt is what keeps me on.

i feel pathetic.