once upon a time.

once upon a time, i dated this amazing girl. she was the most wonderful person, i've met. 

wholesome. smart. and caring.

i was young. and immature. i did not know what i had.

it was the happiest time in my life.

but i gave it away. i broke her heart.

and after two years. i still regret my immaturity.

i regret my decision to break up.

i thought i could find someone better.

but now i realize that there is no one better.

she was the love of my life.

she was the one.

now i look back. now i regret.

i miss u. 

i now realize that i did not deserve u.

i now realize that i did a terrible thing in breaking ur heart. 

over the telephone. my words must have struck u with such a force.

i m sorry.

i think that's the only thing i can say now.

i gave up a keeper. and i deserve the pain and suffering that i m feeling now.

good bye. be happy.

good bye. my love.

making a world better

what is the value of a better world? why is it one of the most used platitudes? and why is it still marketable motto? is the world really that malleable? or is it that we live in such a messed up world that we always need it to make it better no matter what? i find it rather disturbing that people are still clinging to that old saying. old goal. without doing much? there are millions and millions just perishing without anyone notice. what are people so afraid to act? why just say it without really meaning to follow through? i am confused. endlessly confused.

i don't mean to imply that i am a saint. because i simply am not. i m neither a saint nor a philanthropist. i am as much to blame as any other. and i am one of those people who falls victim to the false ideal of the better world. i simply am a stickler for the sentimental value.

why am i ranting about this? well i m feeling groggy lately. i guess i m not a fall kind of a guy. there is nothing to live by. nobody to trust. nothing of value left to me except my family. is family really that important? i would say yes. but hesitate to put a quantifiable value to it, because you cannot put price on love and familial relationship. but then, i sometimes think that life is not that worthy to live by. this constant pain. this constant misery. with happiness sparkled on top. is that really that valuable? i just do not agree with that. there is many things i can move, that i can control. but it seems the ones that i cannot move or control are the really important things.

i hate feeling this incompetence. incapacitated. weak. frail. there is so much things that i want to do in the world. but i do not have the energy to do it. there is no spirit left in my soul. well do i really have a soul? i m a sociopath. i do not feel other people's emotion. i do not comprehend why others laugh or cry. i am selfish. everything revolving around me. if i cannot  understand. then it means nothing to me.

obstacles upon obstacles. i am tired of acting. i am tired of pretending that i understand. i am tired of faking an emotion that i lack. i am just tired. tired enough to consider ending everything.

a wise man told me once that people who end their lives are those with the greatest bravery. those able to pull a trigger has no fear. i guess i am not that someone. i guess i am just too weak to even end it all. i feel responsible. i feel indebted to live on. simply that reason. a feeling of debt is what keeps me on.

i feel pathetic.

credible threat. credible danger.

the yemen bomb threat has caused much scare and threat. another deadly attack thwarted. acts of violence cannot be tolerated. acts of terrorism cannot be continued. the world is dangerously close to becoming a chaotic battlefield with nations and cultures clashing. with no citizen safe from violence and terrorism. what is the root of this evil? what is the cause of such atrocities? it is bigotry and intolerance. it is hate and indifference.

americans killing muslims. muslims killing americans. its a cycle that repeats itself. a vicious, ill-fated end is awaiting. what we need is tolerance. what we need is love, living in harmony. german chancellor merkel announced that multicultural attempt in germany failed. the convergence of turkish and polish minority with germans had failed, prompting the racists in germany to cry in joy. the racial riots in france. the confrontations in britain. the world is crumbling into a chaotic mess.

if we have failed. we must stand together and try again. we must stand together and march for a better outcome. we must create a cycle that repeats itself. respect to love to respect. the violence is rampant. but it can be stopped. it stopped before.

like martin luther king jr. i have a dream. i have dream that my children can live a peaceful life, free from fear. free from violence. where we as parents can lead life from fear for our children's sake. we can make this work. stop intolerance. stop violence.

it is our responsibility for our future children. it is our responsibility for ourselves.

we as a nation

been reading some ayn rand lately. the last time i read her book was when i was still in high school. i don't think i actually understood anything about the basic premise of the book - absolute individualism. i revisited ayn rand because of all the rage for the tea party movement and being one of the focal point of the whole story, it seemed relevant to check it out again.

the environment we live in requires cooperation and coordination. but once we lose the meaning of 'individual,' the very basic principle of society, we lose order and revert back to chaos. we cannot fathom the result of such loss because the 'individual' has been such a powerful component of social discourse.

some say we are granted too much freedom. that the society is disintegrating. however looking everywhere i don't see chaos, but order. the society has not disintegrated. we do not long for dictatorship nor authoritarianism. we still dwell in a society where order could be found. where harmony could be gained.

this i think is what individualism has achieved us. a total freedom within order. order within freedom. the talk of big brother lurking. the talk of big government encroaching personal freedom. i think these are exaggerated stories, creations of our fear. once our fear has been wiped clean. once we gather together in one and create a society based on individual freedom. once we establish the fact that we as a nation is stronger than any foe. then we can thrive in order and peace.

i do not wish to indulge in political debates. afghanistan and iraq are already reality. we cannot reverse the course of history. we are there. and we must make the best of it. some say the best course of action is retreat, some do not agree. the important issue we must consider instead is being unified. being unified as one to form a judgment. we as citizen have a choice. an individual responsibility to make a choice for our future, our nation. that i think is the buttress of our nation.

with the midterm election looming on the horizon. we can escape the political consequence. the tea party movement. the fundamentalists. the democrats. an open discourse of national policy is a right that each citizen hold. and casting the vote to form our national agenda is our responsibility. we must struggle together to achieve, to progress forward. we are the city upon a hill. an example democracy that countries once revered and emulated. we are a country of great pride. we can continue that tradition of excellence by moving together as one.

so go my proud fellow citizens. go and achieve the dream. go and practice your right and responsibility as a citizen. let us march into the future as a proud american. cast a vote in the mid-term election.

atheism.

after god delusion, i had a period in life that could only be characterized as violent transition, a rebellion. i remained aggressively opposed to religion. often using profanities and resorting to meaningless chatter on irrationality of personal belief. i was militant. i was intolerant.

years went by and my senses told me that i have built my own temple. my own religion. my own god in atheism. i have become so enamored to the idea of being a rebel that i had destroyed valuable friendships and turned blind eyes on the goodness of religion, only focusing on one aspect. i have become the intolerant monster that i was so violently criticizing.

richard dawkins had opened many eyes and offered valuable insights as a leading figure in atheist culture. i refrain from calling it atheist movement, because it is not. atheism should only be viewed as a lifestyle. a culture. a personal choice to not believe. the words of mr. dawkins have been militant and aggressive. maybe that was the draw. i have only the sincerest respect for mr. dawkins, but he has made our culture into a movement. a movement that is intolerant and bickering.

as an american, i am programmed to refer to the first amendment. free citizens have the right to believe. freedom of religion and opinion. atheism is not a religion, but an opinion. as long as we are protected from persecution and intolerance, we must acknowledge the value of this freedom and respect the freedom acted by others.

god delusion focused on the deleterious effects of religion on human development. but i must set the record straight. religion has given numberless people hope. it has helped millions upon millions to value life, care for others, and love each other. while some fundamentalists bring down the wtc, others have saved millions of lives under the name of god.

we often view the world from one aspect. only through our biased lens. but before making judgment, one must look at the world from all different sides. its not black and white. we cannot imagine what is beheld by others. we can only assume. the inaccuracy is why we should respect the opinions of others. we do not know what, how, and why others see and why we do not.

atheism is a value. not a creed.